(CONTAINS ELEMENTS OF SEXUAL BECOMING AND LGBTQIA. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.)
Andy was just another 16-year-old young boy who recently witnessed blond hair sprouting from weird places all over his body alongside the popping up of his throat and jawline. Everything was quite usual until one day Andy realized he was not any usual boy of his generation and there was something weirdly queer about his mind.
He realized that he had a romantic attraction and affection towards boys after he and his friends had binged ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’, and Chris Evans had just made his debut as the most attractive man on earth. While all the other boys were giggling and blushing when they saw Hayley Atwell onscreen, Andy just couldn't take his eyes off Evans and his muscular body popping out of his tight white t-shirt. Eventually, he attained knowledge about the terms ‘sexuality’, ‘LGBTQIA+ community’, etc. He finally realized that he was gay!
It took a little time for him to come to terms with his sexuality because he was born to parents who believed that only a male and a female can form a holy matrimony and the idea of queer couples was just absurd and against the rules of nature. Being born into a conservative family meant that he always had to live as ‘Andy; the good and obedient, straight boy’ and not ‘just Andy; a human being’.
It was the 2nd of December, 2021, and Andy Willow was busy celebrating his 4th year as a teenager. Him being the hockey captain of Fiji High School, was expecting the entire school to crash at his place for a house party. By the time it was 9:30 pm almost 75% of FHS was at the Willow resident hooting and screaming.
Andy was as happy as the bees when its summer and all flowers are spreading their aroma of love and positivity. This feeling didn't last long and was soon overtaken by chills and pounding heart when he saw Malkom Williams from across the room who was a year senior to him. He was simply standing taking support of the wall with his hands intertwined with one another near his muscular chest and his brunette hair perfectly curled around his deep blue eyes. He was holding a cup of breeze and slowly slurping the drink sip by sip.
The boy had red cheeks and a height of an NBA player with a jawline that anyone could use to cut veggies, in a literal sense. Malkom made a funny face when he caught Andy staring at him. They didn't know each other well, but Malkom was invited because Nina, his sister was Andy’s paired cheerleader.
10 mins post the intense eye contact they were sitting in Willow’s backyard talking about sports, outfits, and career paths that they were planning. It was fair to say that Andy couldn't handle his first-ever glass of sangria well. He abruptly asked Malkom if he was single, on an affirmation from the other side Andy caught an oxytocin rush and ended up giving Malkom a peck on his lips. Malkom pulled away in embarrassment and he had a face full of emotions of utter shock and astonishment.
He gently said in his deep voice, “Dude! Andy, I’m not gay, and I’m straight, I’m sorry. Don’t worry this remains between us. It’s probably the sangria acting up. Well, what about those flowers do you enjoy gardening?” he asked the question as if it was normal and merely changed the topic to discard the awkwardness.
Andy was too embarrassed to say anything. He nodded, left the backyard, and snuck into the bathroom. The night passed and as Andy got out of his first-ever hangover, he tried to remember everything that had happened but couldn't. So, he decided to tidy up and leave for his school.
Everything was all fine until Andy was greeted by Malkom with a sweet smile and a cool “Yo, bro!”.
A few months passed and it seemed as if time had decided to nourish the seed of friendship between the 2 boys with all that it had. The boys had grown closer than ever, and it was like nothing ever went wrong that night on 2nd December. Be it going out to malls or playing basketball on Saturdays or be it video calling till 2 am their friendship had seen all the beautiful phases of any friendship.
You know how it’s said every story has a twist and every story has a turning point and Andy, and his story are no exception to this. It was 14th March 2022, and the school was all set for the spring dance on the 25th of the month. Andy and Malkom had different perspectives on their friendship. Andy had fallen in love with Malkom for just being him. He desired him as his best friend more than a potential partner. Whereas Malkom had seen Andy as any other pal of his and nothing special.
Andy asked Malkom for being his dance at the spring dance and he turned all red and left without saying a word. The next few days went without any conversations. Malkom hasn't replied to even one out of the billion texts Andy sent him. Finally, the day came, it was spring dance night and students were all excited and dressed for the evening, but Andy was in his PJs in his bedroom feeling all depressed. The bell rang and Ms. Willow opened the door with an ‘Oh my god!’ and then a distinct chatter could be heard between Ms. Willow and the visitor. Soon Andy could hear the visitor climbing the staircase as quietly as possible, followed by the gentle opening of his room’s door.
It was Malkom with a sorry face and a glass of sangria.
He said,” Andy, I’m sorry for ghosting you like that, but you need to understand that I’m straight and I don't see you that way.”
Andy lifted his face from the comforter’s mine with eyes red and big tears almost ready to flow like a river. Andy didn’t say a word but the silence between them spoke more than either of them could have. Andy leaned over and hugged Malkom and apologized for misreading the signals. The hug was just one-sided, Malkom was a ‘touch me not’ kind of a person and just stayed there like a statue awkwardly trying to escape the embracement.
Andy timidly asked Malkom, “We are still best friends, right?” to which he got a reply that shattered him into pieces.
Malkom replied, “Bro, friends? Sure. But I don’t do best friends. You are just like any other boy to me. And sorry to say but you do not know how to maintain friendships. But we are gonna be friends, bro” emphasizing on the word ‘bro’.
Andy wasn’t sad because Malkom just told him he was straight he was shattered to know that the connection he considered to be the best friendship was just a one-sided knot of friendship. For the next year, Andy saw his ‘best friend’ get close to other people fall in love with others, and get himself completely ignored.
It was 25th March 2023 and Andy was now 18 years old and was still heartbroken about the events of the past year. Andy sat down on his table sharp at 10 as he always does to write his daily diary entry. Andy was at his lowest, his world was just spinning around in a way that led to a violent swirling hurricane of emotions for him. He wanted to cry a lot but that day even the tears screamed that they were tired of flowing every hour and that they were sorry for turning his eyes blood red. Andy, at first just sat there for 15 minutes staring at the blank page of his diary, and then finally a rhythmic poem just flew out of his hands and he wrote the title in big capital wordings, ‘ I CANT HATE YOU ‘ and then preceded to write his poem-
You’re so pretty; I can't hate you
You're so sweet; I can't hate you
You're so funny; I can't hate you
But you are a cute, funny tall hypocrite!!
You're just like the moon beautiful from the viewer's perspective but has a dark and cold side.
You used your looks as a disguise and gave me a heartache of a lifetime.
I see your dimple chin, I see your rosy lips and the way they fit your gorgeous face
I want to kiss you
I want to hug you the tightest
But your actions and words push me away into the deepest dungeons
My love language is physical touch and yours is pushing me away
I'm in a room half empty
Trying to get over a person I never dated
BUT I CAN NEVER HATE YOU
Not in this lifetime because you can't imagine just how much I LOVE YOU
So I can't hate you... just can't hate you
XOXO
-ANDY
He closed his diary with a thud noise and fell in the arms of his bed and, his cozy and warm comforter. He realized that it’s all right to love someone and have them not reciprocate the feelings. We just don't have to expect anything in return, love is not business to have profit or loss in return to our investments.
Teenagers of the 21st century are victims of family pressure, peer pressure, heartbreaks, sexuality exploring, and the development of one-sided relations with the people around them. What one should be vigilant about whilst being part of this crowd is that it’s all right to tell someone you love them and not have them say it back what matters is being truthful about one another and learning to move ahead with times.
~ Anonymous.
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